Punished by Love

WHEN I got my Subud name “Arifin”, practically many Subud Indonesia members laughed because they found my “fate” to be funny. When I received the email notification from Ibu Rahayu on my smartphone, I even laughed out loud and was surprised and amazed at the same time. The reason is, Arifin is the Subud name of two Subud brothers—one in South Jakarta and the other in Palangkaraya—whom I often bully in Subud Indonesia WhatsApp groups.

“You are cursed!” a helper from Rungan Sari jokingly commented. “That’s the result if you dislike your Subud brothers and sisters with hatred in you. You will be repaid by doing the same bad things as them, which is why you don’t like them, or at least you get the same Subud name as them!”

Recently, when I had just arrived at Wisma Barata Pamulang, for the Saturday night group Latihan, I met a Subud sister towards whom I was having very bad feelings, so I didn’t say hello to her. I didn’t even want to be near her.

During group Latihan for men, I began as usual; “the cleansing phase” some helpers would say, with random meaningless movements and noises. But after about 15 minutes, I got a stern warning from my inner that I shouldn’t dislike that sister. My inner voice told me that if I continue to resent her then I would be punished with feelings that would torment me.

I persisted in not wanting to forgive her and disobeyed my jiwa. What followed was a very strong feeling of love with the sister, the kind of amorous love a man has for a woman. I was made to feel a strong longing to make out with her.

I was so ashamed of myself, and also laughed at myself, for being hypocritical about my true feelings.

I stopped my Latihan, because I thought it was mere lower forces. After a short pause, I then quiet myself and started the Latihan again. And, the feeling of romantic love reappeared, with my inner voice forcing me to forgive her, or at least I should not be hostile to her anymore.

Unable to endure that torturous feeling, I eventually obeyed my jiwa. I was at peace with myself. And when that happened, the romantic love turned into what it was meant to be: I felt a lot of affection for her, like a little brother for an older sister.

That’s when I learned how it was like to be punished with feelings of love of an odd kind.©2023

 

Pondok Cabe, Tangerang Selatan, March 19, 2023