A Walking Sponge

MY educational history, from elementary to university level, was not brilliant. Even though I studied for an undergraduate degree in history at a well-known and prominent state university in Indonesia, i.e. the University of Indonesia (UI), which entrance exams were very competitive, this did not put me at the forefront of educational achievements. With a GPA below 1.75, I was twice threatened with being kicked out of UI.

My brain is indeed weak in analyzing and my enthusiasm is very low in terms of structured learning as generally implemented in schools. “Likes to daydream” was the note teachers often put on my elementary school report card in the Netherlands. I only got good grades in Drawing, Essay Writing, and English—which equipped me well after I pursued a career as an advertising copywriter.

A helper in Central Java who is also a professor at a university in the area where she lives once told me, after having a long conversation with me about various fields of study, that I am rich in knowledge. “Has it always been like this, Mas Arifin?” she asked.

I couldn’t give her a definite answer. Everything I said “just fell out” without me thinking about it first.

There was a moment in my life where someone I thought was a genius actually thought I was a genius. In 2019, I got a project to make an in-house magazine in English from the Indonesian Navy Headquarters, including editing the articles and becoming one of the contributors. Naval warfare and maritime defense was then completely new to me.

When interviewing me as a potential vendor, the Head of the Indonesian Navy Information Service, a rear admiral who was also a lecturer in strategy at the Indonesian Naval Staff and Command School, gave me only one month to study naval warfare and maritime defense. Surprised, I said to him, “What? That’s unfair, sir! You yourself studied four years at the Naval Academy, how come I’m only given one month?!”

His decision didn’t change; I was still given one month to learn something that to him was something he was already good at.

To my surprise, the Latihan followed through my learning-while-working process that I went through for one month. I have never intentionally used the Latihan in matters concerning my work—just as Bapak said that when we do an enterprise, we shouldn’t use the kejiwaan, but use our mind and nafsus instead. But what can I say, the Latihan has been part of me from the moment I was opened, whether I intend it or not. It will automatically work, leading me to dive into a whole new world and grace me with ever-increasing enlightenment. I become a walking sponge that easily absorbs whatever I approach with sabar, tawakal and ikhlas.

With the Latihan, I experienced a “think without thinking” state which apparently made learning very easy for me. (This sometimes makes me regret why I wasn’t opened earlier; I could be the smartest student at UI!)

When the magazine was finally launched and the Indonesian Navy Chief of Staff was very satisfied with my work, the rear admiral who headed the Indonesian Navy Information Service complimented me, “You are a genius, Pak Arifin! Within one month you are already fluent in naval warfare and maritime defense.”

I thought to myself, “That’s because of the Latihan Kejiwaan. I’m not who you think I am.”©2023

 

Pondok Cabe, Tangerang Selatan, 20 March 2023

Punished by Love

WHEN I got my Subud name “Arifin”, practically many Subud Indonesia members laughed because they found my “fate” to be funny. When I received the email notification from Ibu Rahayu on my smartphone, I even laughed out loud and was surprised and amazed at the same time. The reason is, Arifin is the Subud name of two Subud brothers—one in South Jakarta and the other in Palangkaraya—whom I often bully in Subud Indonesia WhatsApp groups.

“You are cursed!” a helper from Rungan Sari jokingly commented. “That’s the result if you dislike your Subud brothers and sisters with hatred in you. You will be repaid by doing the same bad things as them, which is why you don’t like them, or at least you get the same Subud name as them!”

Recently, when I had just arrived at Wisma Barata Pamulang, for the Saturday night group Latihan, I met a Subud sister towards whom I was having very bad feelings, so I didn’t say hello to her. I didn’t even want to be near her.

During group Latihan for men, I began as usual; “the cleansing phase” some helpers would say, with random meaningless movements and noises. But after about 15 minutes, I got a stern warning from my inner that I shouldn’t dislike that sister. My inner voice told me that if I continue to resent her then I would be punished with feelings that would torment me.

I persisted in not wanting to forgive her and disobeyed my jiwa. What followed was a very strong feeling of love with the sister, the kind of amorous love a man has for a woman. I was made to feel a strong longing to make out with her.

I was so ashamed of myself, and also laughed at myself, for being hypocritical about my true feelings.

I stopped my Latihan, because I thought it was mere lower forces. After a short pause, I then quiet myself and started the Latihan again. And, the feeling of romantic love reappeared, with my inner voice forcing me to forgive her, or at least I should not be hostile to her anymore.

Unable to endure that torturous feeling, I eventually obeyed my jiwa. I was at peace with myself. And when that happened, the romantic love turned into what it was meant to be: I felt a lot of affection for her, like a little brother for an older sister.

That’s when I learned how it was like to be punished with feelings of love of an odd kind.©2023

 

Pondok Cabe, Tangerang Selatan, March 19, 2023

Nikmatnya Ketidaktahuan

SEORANG saudari Subud, dalam chat-nya dengan saya di FB Messenger, mengutarakan alasannya mengapa dia meninggalkan Subud dan bergabung dengan jalan spiritual lainnya, hanya setahun setelah dia dibuka.

“Saya mendapat pengalaman dalam Latihan dimana diri saya disinari cahaya putih yang membuat saya merasa di surga,” kata dia. “Saya merindukan pengalaman itu, tetapi saya tidak mendapatkannya lagi. Itulah alasan saya mengapa saya tidak mau lagi ikut Subud.”

Dengan polos (lebih karena pura-pura, dan hanya ingin mencandainya), saya berkata, “Wow! Berarti kamu pernah ke surga ya, kok tahu rasanya surga?!”

Saudari ini tidak mampu menjawab saya. Saya beri contoh ke dia dengan perumpamaan dari profesi saya sebagai copywriter periklanan. Ketika saya mempromosikan suatu tempat tujuan wisata, katakanlah Bali, selain saya pernah ke sana, saya juga bisa mempelajari keadaan Bali dari ratusan buku dan pamflet mengenai tujuan wisata itu. Bisa juga dari cerita orang lain yang pernah ke sana. Apa pun sumbernya, semua itu bersifat subyektif, karena bisa jadi pengalaman saya ketika saya mengunjungi Bali malah sangat berbeda dengan apa yang pernah ditulis atau dilisankan mengenainya.

Ketika saya diperkenalkan ke Subud dahulu—oleh rekan kerja yang juga pembantu pelatih di Subud Cabang Surabaya—saya tidak tahu apa-apa mengenainya. Waktu itu, rekan kerja ini mengajak saya ke Wisma Subud di Jl. Manyar Rejo No. 18-22, Surabaya, Jawa Timur, bertepatan dengan kunjungan Mas Adji. Saya diperkenalkan ke Mas Adji sebagai “orang yang ingin tahu tentang Subud”, dan Mas Adji bertanya ke saya, “Apa yang saudara ketahui tentang Subud?”

“Yang saya tahu, Mas, Subud itu perusahaan pertambangan,” kata saya, yang membuat Mas Adji tertawa terpingkal-pingkal. Saya menjawab begitu, karena lebih dari sepuluh tahun sebelumnya, saat berada di dalam angkutan umum bersama seorang teman kuliah, dari arah Blok M menuju Pondok Labu via Jalan RS Fatmawati, Jakarta Selatan, ketika lewat depan gerbang Wisma Subud Cilandak, teman saya memberi tahu saya bahwa Subud itu perusahaan pertambangan. “Itu Subud perusahaan tambang, tau nggak lo?! Lihat saja banyak bulenya,” kata dia.

Saat itu, saya lihat tiga pria bule berjalan keluar gerbang Wisma Subud Cilandak. Pada saat itu, era Orde Barunya Soeharto, mayoritas perusahaan pertambangan memang milik asing, atau usaha patungan asing dan Indonesia.

Saya bertahan di Subud hingga hari ini karena saya mempertahankan segala sesuatu sebagai misteri, dan tidak ada keinginan yang terdorong oleh nafsu untuk mengetahui selekasnya. Saya menyukai bagaimana Latihan mengungkapkan misterinya satu demi satu, dan bukannya sekaligus. Greget atau ketegangannya seperti petualangan mengejar cewek cantik yang membuat saya tergiur untuk memilikinya—tetapi ia jual mahal.

Saya pernah mengungkapkan asumsi saya kepada seorang pembantu pelatih senior di Cabang Jakarta Selatan, bahwa para anggota Subud yang berawal dari ateisme atau agnotisme-lah yang cenderung bertahan di Subud, untuk jangka panjang, kalau tidak untuk selamanya. Saya kira karena mereka tidak pernah dicekoki ajaran tentang Tuhan dan ketuhanan yang berasal dari para guru agama, sehingga menerima dan mengikuti bimbingan dari kekuasaan Tuhan (atau apa pun yang mereka percayai) dalam Latihan dapat berjalan mulus karena tidak terjegal oleh gagasan-gagasan yang mengarah ke angan-angan bahwa Tuhan itu baik, maha memberi kebaikan, dan nilai-nilai positif lainnya yang sejatinya adalah ciptaan akal pikir manusia.

Ah, betapa nikmatnya ketidaktahuan itu. Tetapi, seperti kepada seorang pembantu pelatih senior, yang dengan lagak sombongnya berkata ke saya bahwa dia sudah di level tidak tahu apa-apa, saya merespons, “Saya tidak percaya, Pak, kalau Bapak tidak tahu apa-apa! Buktinya, Bapak masih tahu bahwa Bapak tidak tahu apa-apa!”©2023

 

Pondok Cabe, Tangerang Selatan, 18 Maret 2023

Self-Dialogue on the Road

AFTER taking my six-year old daughter to school this Saturday morning, March 11, 2023—which coincided with my 19th Subud birthday, on the road while driving, there occurred a self-dialogue:

“Why are there still many Subud members who are less intelligent, even though intelligence is a tool that has existed in every human being since he or she was created. I remember I underwent a drastic transformation after my opening in Subud, thanks to the painstaking assistance by the helpers of the Subud group in Surabaya, East Java, through light and often hilarious chats. The helpers continuously encouraged me to be independent, and simply depending on my own receiving. The intelligence of my jiwa, therefore, came to the fore. Why? What’s wrong with those members?”

The “other me” replied, “What distinguishes you from the others is because before you were opened you only relied on your mind, and after you were opened your mind was touched by the power of the Latihan. You were liberated, and that drove you to just receive and follow! That’s just it: Receive and follow! Without daring to receive and follow with yourself being sabar-tawakal-ikhlas, your Latihan would go nowhere.”

I then stopped at a coffee stall on my way home, ordered a cup of white coffee, smoked a few cigarettes and continued the self-dialogue. For the most part of it I laughed at myself for being so stupid as to understand this before today.©2023

 

Pondok Cabe, Tangerang Selatan, March 11, 2023

Menyalurkan Kegilaan

BIASANYA, bila berkumpul dengan saudara-saudara Subud yang inklusif, saya tidak menahan diri dalam menyampaikan pemikiran atau penerimaan (receiving). Obrolan pun bisa masuk ke topik-topik sensitif seperti agama dan ideologi, yang bisa membuat orang-orang di luar lingkaran Subud sangat syok. Karena Subud bagi saya pribadi adalah tempat di mana saya diizinkan “gila”.

Ternyata pada 10 Maret 2023, malam, saat bertemu dengan dua editor profesional untuk membahas pekerjaan penyuntingan naskah yang sedang kami lakukan, suasana diskusi bebas tanpa menahan diri juga terjadi. Kebetulan dua editor tersebut, sama seperti saya, adalah alumni Jurusan/Prodi Sejarah Fakultas Sastra (FS)/Fakultas Ilmu Pengetahuan Budaya (FIB) Universitas Indonesia, hanya beda angkatan (saya 1987, sedangkan dua editor tersebut masing-masing 2014 dan 2015). Diskusi bebas tersebut mulai mengemuka setelah kafe di mana kami bertemu sudah ditinggal pengunjung-pengunjung lainnya dan sudah tutup.

Bedanya dengan saudara-saudara Subud yang obrolannya berdasarkan pengalaman-pengalaman nyata masing-masing dalam melakoni hidup dengan bimbingan Latihan Kejiwaan, kedua editor tersebut membahas pemahaman-pemahaman dan gagasan-gagasan mereka berbasis buku-buku yang pernah mereka baca. Saya menyelingi dengan pengalaman saya yang sungguh-sungguh terjadi, yang membuat suasana diskusi tiga orang “gila” ini semakin riuh.

Saya menjadi mengerti sekarang mengapa banyak yunior saya di Sejarah UI, maupun FIB UI secara umum, yang masuk Subud. Karena di situlah kegilaan mereka tersalurkan. Ini bercanda, lho!©2023

 

Pondok Cabe, Tangerang Selatan, 11 Maret 2023

Ask, Then Let Go

I remember this story told by an elderly helper in Bandung, West Java, when I visited his group two years ago. I came to him to ask advice about how to be rich. Even though not a few Subud brothers mocked or lambasted me for wanting to be rich, this one helper took my question seriously.

He said that it is not forbidden for Subud members to want to be rich or successful in material terms. So he shared the story of his personal experience. His story inspired me a lot.

One day, he was asked by his sons to join them in a Mercedes Benz club in order that his sons can be close to their father. With a university professor’s salary he couldn’t afford to buy a Mercedes, so he asked God instead with a good intention, then he let go. God granted him by way that nobody could ever expect.

One of his former Masters students contacted him one day and asked to meet. During the meeting, the former student expressed his gratitude because the helper had helped him so that he could finish his studies. Feeling indebted, the former student wanted to give something to the helper.

The helper refused anything his former student wanted to give him, because the helper felt it was his duty to get all the students he mentored to successfully complete their course. But the ex-student insisted. Finally, to honor him, the helper accepted the gift. His ex-student then presented him the gift, which was a brand new Mercedes Benz!

“Don’t always remember what you once asked God for and don’t repeat your request. Let Him work His way. Just live your life with patience, trust and sincerity,” he said to me.

The elderly helper became my inspiration to do “just ask, then let go”.©2023

 

Pondok Cabe, Tangerang Selatan, March 10, 2023

Explaining Subud to a Six-Year Old

I am most inspired by a quote from Albert Einstein that if you can’t explain something to a six year old, then you don’t understand it yourself.

The quote becomes a guide for branding practitioners, especially copywriters like me. And it came in handy when my six year old daughter asked me, what is Subud and the Latihan?

“I have difficulty in many things that I do. I can do it if there is guidance from within me. And to keep the guidance active, I do the Latihan Kejiwaan of Subud. Subud is a sort of club where people like me hang out,” I told her.

She asked then, “Can I join the club?”

“You can’t, until you’re old enough according to the club’s criteria.”

“Why are only adults allowed to join Subud?” she asked again.

“Because only adults have a lot of problems. Children have no problems, except for the ones their parents made for them. Aha, I just remembered Bapak Subuh’s talk that with the Latihan we adults will return to being children. So, while you are still a child, just enjoy your life,” I said.

My daughter continued watching her favorite cartoon on Youtube. And I sighed of relief as she didn’t ask me the hard questions.©2023

 

Pondok Cabe, Tangerang Selatan, 2 March 2023